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Letting Go
If you like this article:
"The future enters into us
in order to transform us, long before it happens."
-Rainer Maria Rilke
Marika and I have been working together on and off for a couple of years. Early in our work, she identified her "dream." She was clear about the details of her dream – although it did take a bit of work for her to embrace it.
She went through a litany of disclaimers: "Life does not really happen like that. This is a fairy tale. I have to be prepared for reality. I am happy like I am – even if I never get my dream. Who am I to know and direct my dream – I have to be prepared for whatever the Universe has in mind for me."
Finally, she stepped out of all of that and acknowledged her dream. In our most recent session, she told me the story of how her dream was becoming a reality – and how she just wanted to shut down and turn away. Looking for what was wrong – the problems with the dream – seemed like a good idea again. Something was wrong with the dream – it had to have a fatal error – and she wanted to find it.
Welcome – again – to the preparation and severance phase of change and transformation. Marika is now engaged in the real work of letting go of her life as she knows it. She is not just imaging the new, great fulfilled dream - she is standing on the threshold of severing from her old life and preparing to enter into her new life. It can be a scary place – especially when you want all the bells, whistles and amenities of the dream to whisk you away. But before you step into the dream there is some important work to do.
Change/ transformation is a process. It has stages and phases to it and goes through some very predictable stages. The first stage in a transformation process is a Preparation and Severance that is akin to dying to your old life.
The purpose of severance is to separate yourself from all the other crap that has made it difficult to fit in what you want in your life. It is as simple as being willing to say "No" to those things that don’t serve you and "Yes" to those things that do serve you. The purpose of preparation is to engage you in activities that bring you to that certain state of mind where you are ready to receive the vision of your new life.
The preparation and severance phase provides the context that readies you to figuratively die and then be reborn. Its purpose is to shift your daily life so that you are consciously engaged in the process of letting go of the life you are in now and getting ready to give birth to the new life you are entering.
You are severing from the old and preparing to go through the initiations that will bring you to the new. Chaos and personal disintegration often characterize this first stage of transformation. In this stage, you begin to think about all you will have to leave as you make the transformation into your new life. Some of it you love and don’t want to leave behind, some of it is no longer useful and you are ready to leave behind.
During a Preparation and Severance phase, you will go through a period of letting go of your life. You will be faced with the task of letting go of your identity as you now know it. You will encounter such experiences as seeing your whole life pass in review, melancholy for that which you are leaving behind, and meeting up with loved ones (and unloved ones) that you need to complete with. There may be many roles that you are leaving behind.
During this time, you may find that you need to grieve the loss of your old self and old life. You will be doing some significant grief work.
This grief work may require that you:
- Slow down
- Take more time to do things – even the mundane things
- Let yourself go through periods of denial
- Feel sad – allowing yourself to feel sad will help your grief dissipate more effectively
- Identify your losses
- Share your feelings
As you are moving through this stage of preparation and severance you should make no big decisions until you are complete with this first stage of change. This is not the time for planning, strategizing and implementing. Skipping ahead too early to planning only serves to short circuit the process and pull you up short from experiencing and completing this stage.
You need time to think and feel before you decide on any course of action. Tell others that you can not commit until you know more about the new life you are headed for. Tell yourself that you must now do the hard work of letting go even before you know exactly where you are going.
As you really "get" what this stage of transformation means for you, you may encounter fear – even good and long sought after changes can engender a lot of fear at this stage. Guilt is another emotion that may surface at this stage of transformation. As you close up this old stage of your life and move into the new, you will inevitably leave some people behind and your relationship with those who will come into the new life with you will change. If you are transitioning solely because of an inner drive there is not likely to be anyone who understands or approves.
Inner transformations as opposed to external changes that are "imposed" on you (like career promotions) are more likely to lead to social disruptions and self-doubt. Many people will not be so keen on accepting your new choices and new behaviors. They may call you crazy and you may think you are. The only solution here is to hold to your course and stay true to who you are. In the wake of inner transformations, you may be more inclined toward indecision and consumed with a fear of failure. Plus, shame at leaving behind your accumulated successes may visit with you.
Each one of these experiences may feel like enough to turn your course around and have you head back to your old life. This never works, however, and you will need determination, courage, patience and a lot of hard work to keep from getting sucked back.
Things that help you move through this Preparation and Severance stage include:
- Stay or get engaged with dreaming – keep at it
- You don’t have to tell or hang out with those who don’t support you
- Gather a supportive team of people, books, environments, artwork, etc.
- Spend a lot of time with yourself – keep checking in with yourself
- Keep checking in with reality – is this what you really want?
This part of the process is about accepting that your old life is over – you are letting it go - and you are on your way to someplace else. Don’t move out of this stage until you have really accepted that fact. Trying to hurry things along without fully experiencing the letting go only leads to confusion. So take the time and go through whatever initiations you are presenting yourself with – you still have a bit of a journey ahead of you.
"Not I, not anyone else, can
travel that road for you,
You must travel it for yourself."
-Walt Whitman
Are you in a preparation / severance phase of transformation?
- You are unsure in which direction your life is heading.
- You have been torn away from a part of your life that you are not ready to leave.
- You are ready to leave behind a life that no longer works for you.
- You are poised on the threshold of beginning something new in your life.
- You feel adrift and without internal guidance.
If you answered "yes" to any of the above you might be in a preparation and severance phase of transformation. When you are standing on the cusp of seeing your dream become reality, you might experience your mood and energy slip a bit. If that is the case, take good care of yourself during this preparation and severance phase and contact me to help you design a robust and healthy preparation and severance phase.Call 434-263-4669 or e-mail,
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Related Information: Change Top Ten Ways to Revitalize Your Resolutions Top 10 Ways to Move Past Being Stuck |
© Copyright 1997 - 2008 by Mary Ann Copson and Evenstar. All rights reserved.
About the Author:
Mary Ann Copson is the founder of the Evenstar Mood & Energy Wellness Center for Women. With Master's Degrees in Human Development and Psychology and Counseling, Mary Ann is a Certified Licensed Nutritionist; Certified Holistic Health Practitioner; Brain Chemistry Profile Clinician; and a Health, Wellness and Lifestyle Coach. Reconnect to your physical, emotional, mental, psychological and spiritual natural rhythms at
http://evenstaronline.com
